Letting Go
by Normryl
Summary: Jordan remembers the worse thing she did to Perry during their divorce. Tiny bit of angst.


Title: Letting Go  
Summary: Jordan remembers the worse thing she did to Perry during their divorce.  
Notes: I've not abandoned my other stories but this idea popped into my head and I decided I needed to get this little one shot out the way before I continued with anything else. The idea came from the episode where Perry and Jordan realise that they're not actually divorced and at first are happy about the situation but soon realise that they don't get on as well as a married couple and get divorced at the episodes end. Italics are for the flashback.

* * *

Jordan walked across the cafeteria carrying a tray of food and looking for a place to sit.

Perry sat on the far side of the room, but she knew how he liked to not socialise with her at work so she didn't head towards him, even though he was sitting alone. In that respect, they were totally opposite to one another. She hated to be on her own, whereas at times, he sought it, made it happen. As long as he wasn't always alone, as long as he knew he could get to someone if he wanted, that made him content. But Jordan had never liked to be alone. Even though she too hated to admit it, just sitting alone at lunch was a huge deal for her. She didn't like it. She believed that both of their loneliness had bought them back together after their divorce.

She suddenly spotted Carla and Elliot and headed over to join the two women. She was grateful that both of them let her into their friendship. She knew she wasn't as close to either of them as they were to one another, but she got what she needed from it, she didn't need a best friend, she already had those. She just needed some work friends that understood her life at the hospital and her relationship with Perry. Carla was someone that Jordan has been a little dubious about before, seeing as how she knew of Perry's feelings for her, but after his brief crush, she soon found that it had subsided and that perhaps she was just one of the few female friends he actually got on with. He rarely got close to anyone, but women even less than men. But having grown closer to Carla she saw that she was a very dedicated woman, who loved her husband and daughter and her job but still had time for friends.

"I'm gonna sit with you guys." Jordan said, placing the tray down as she sat on one of the chairs. She never asked if they wanted her to join them, just in case they said no.

Once she had seated her self, she took a bite of her sandwich. "What are you talking about?"

"I was just telling Elliot about how I've banned sex with Turk." Carla said, a sly smile spreading across her lips.

"Why, what he do?" Jordan asked.

"He didn't tell me that I had some lettuce in my teeth when we were out and I sat there almost the whole night with green in my teeth."

"Oh, I'd divorce for that." Jordan agreed.

"We were just sharing some of the more cruel punishments we've put upon our boyfriends, husbands and fiancé's through the years. Care to join in?" Elliot said.

"I bet you have some good ones to share." Carla said.

Jordan smiled as she thought about some of the mean things she'd done to boyfriends in the past. Before she said anything, she noticed Perry get up from his table and head towards their table. Seeing her with the others, he smiled at her. She smiled back as she watched him pass.

"Well?" Elliot asked.

_It felt strange going home that night. _

_Jordan had spent the last few hours with Perry's little lap dog, Pete. He was a good doctor from what Perry had told her before but having spent the last few hours with the guy she knew he was also a egotistical, arrogant ass. It didn't change the fact that she also found him quite attractive and that he had listened to her when Perry hadn't been there. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad if this was the first time, not the fourth night in a row she'd gone out to be with him. _

_She was surprised to come home to see Perry sitting on the couch. He didn't look like he usually did when she came home to him actually being there. The TV was off, along with all the lights except one lamp, there was no glass of scotch in his hand and he had a look in his eyes that said something was going to happen. Something bad. _

_She felt nervous. Scared to speak. She wasn't scared of Perry. She knew he'd never physically hurt her, but she was still afraid of what was going to happen. _

"_Where have you been?" he asked._

"_Out." she replied. Maybe she was in the wrong here. Maybe she shouldn't have done what she had, but God knows he hadn't made it easy for her. _

_She walked past him, going into their bedroom. She was surprised to see a bag on the bed. She had an awful feeling she knew what was in it. She didn't voice her fears. Instead she unzipped it a little and saw some of her clothes stuffed inside. _

_She heard him walk in the room behind her. He stopped at the door. "I want you out."_

_Ignoring his words, she walked round to her bedside cabinet. She opened up a box which she kept a few spare bills in and a few other important items. She grabbed all the contents of the box, putting them into her purse. She walked past the bag and headed for the door. "Don't think I'll be back for my stuff." Jordan said as she turned the door handle. "Anything I got from my time with you I'll be happy to replace." _

_She turned the handle and opened the door. _

"_Don't ever come back." he said coldly to her. _

_She felt a little scared that he could sound like that towards her. She was sure all she'd said to him had been terribly unconvincing. _

_She slammed the door as she left walking away quickly and not letting any tears fall until she was far away from the place. Pulling out her mobile she tried calling Pete, but he didn't answer. Maybe he was busy with something. Her mind decided it would more likely be someone. _

_The next few days passed in a blur. She felt wrecked from losing Perry but at the same time hated him for making her do it in the first place. When she got the letter saying he wanted a divorce, she knew it really was over. _

_She spent the whole morning getting drunk to numb the pain from her impending failed marriage. When she was certain that all she felt left for Perry was hatred, she rummage through her purse, trying to find the items she'd taken out of his apartment a few days back._

_She went out and pawned his Grandfathers Purple Heart. She knew that would hurt him. Had she rationally thought it through, she maybe would have considered the fact that the guy was the only person in his childhood who he was proud of and who he cared about. She'd have realised that when he died when Perry was seven, he left those two kids alone with a father who, reeling from the loss of his father, became unstable and abusive and turned to drink. Their mother was too afraid to stand up for her children, knowing she'd received the same treatment if she did, so she remained silent and let it happen. _

_Who'd have thought one death could cause so much pain. _

_If she'd thought it all through, if her head had been clear, she'd never have done it. But as it stood, at that time, she was so scared of life alone, so hurt by his neglect and so devastated at the end of their relationship, it felt good to hurt Perry. It never occurred to her she'd already hurt him. _

"Jordan?" Carla asked, a note of concern creeping into her voice. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Jordan said, snapping out of it. "You shouldn't punish baldy for what he did. It's not worth it."

"Hang on, what's your story?" Elliot asked.

"I hurt Perry." Before either women could say anything else, Jordan stood up and walked off in the direction that Perry had gone earlier.

"What do you think she did?" Elliot asked. Carla shrugged her shoulders. She had a sudden urge to go find Turk though.

* * *

"Per." Jordan said, as she looked in the room where he was treating a patient. He looked round at her and signalled for her to give him a minute. He finished explaining to the lady what was wrong with her and what they were going to do and reassured her, before heading out of the room.

"What's wrong?" he asked, knowing Jordan didn't usually interrupt him from his work unless it was important.

Jordan tried to find the words she wanted to tell him how sorry she was. They didn't come to her in the corridor full of people. She grabbed his hand and lead him towards a supply cupboard. She opened the door to reveal a crying intern. "Out." she said, seeing the look of fear in the girls eyes, especially seeing Dr. Cox there.

Closing the door behind them, Jordan noticed that Perry looked apprehensive about what they were doing.

"I wanted to say sorry."

"What?" he asked clearly confused. A look of concern crossed his face as he wondered if there was something she had to apologies for.

"During the divorce, the way I acted. The things I did." She motioned towards her breasts, what she used the money she got from the Purple Heart to buy. "I wish I hadn't done that. If I could take it back I would. I know how much it meant to you."

Perry's features softened. They didn't often talk to one another like this, especially not while at work. He reached for her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. "I used to think the reason we got divorced was all your fault. When I actually realised I was a terrible husband, I knew I never treated you like a wife. I thought as long as I was better than my father, I was doing a good job. I care about this job so much and I always just thought that no matter what you'd be there for me. I- I wanted... I expected you to love me how I was. The truth is, I didn't even like who I was at home back then. Maybe that's why I spent so much time here." Perry smiled a sad smile. Gulped. "I always thought my father was no man for what he did to me and my sister. The hardest part of the divorce was realising I was _just_ like him because I wasn't a man to you."

"You're more than man enough for me." Jordan said with a kiss on Perry's lips.

"The medal doesn't bother me. In a way, it's part of you now. And as long as your in my life forever, I've not lost it."

Perry leant close to her for another kiss, and as their lips locked, the door to the closet opened again as another sobbing intern went to enter, trying to hide from the reality beyond the door. The young man paused, looking at the pair. Before he could escape Jordan spoke.

"You can hide in here. We're going for a quick break." Jordan said, mischief in her eyes.

"Hey, not so much of the quick."

With that the pair left to find a room suitable for their needs.

End


End file.
